you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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