I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
