A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
love makes seman taste better
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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