we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
