This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
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Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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