come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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