when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
