nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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