Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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