your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
