I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
