Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
