omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
