If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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