Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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