The maid of honor just puked.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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