apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
