I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
