just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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