Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
