i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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