Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
