I just cut my nipple shaving
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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