non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
