I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
