Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
