So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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