Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
