so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
