someone threw a dead crab at me
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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