70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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