I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
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QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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