if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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