so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
