he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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