she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
