I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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