Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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