You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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