OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
