I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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