Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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