weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
