nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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