mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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