a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
