So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
