i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
