Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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