I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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