Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
