You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
