I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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