She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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