the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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