On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
