Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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