I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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