So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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